Which Servant are you?

Last night in our life group we studied the parable in Matthew 25 of the king who distributed to his three servants a set of valuable coins.  If you aren’t familiar with the story, here is a little recap for you. In the parable each servant was left with a set of valuable coins according to their specific ability. The first servant was given ten, the second five and the third was given one. In the parable it gives an account of what each servant did with what his master had given him. The first and second servant invested his their valuable coins and returned to his master with double the amount, the master was pleased with these two servants, for they had grown his kingdom with their investment.   And as for the The third servant… The servant that reminded me so shamefully of myself, he did not go and invest, instead out of fear the servant hid the valuable thing that his master had given him and his master was not pleased.    

There are so many different things that you can learn from this small account in Matthew, but last night our concentration was geared towards the gifts that OUR master had given us and what we are called to do with that gift.

We learned that each of us have been given a specific gift by God to reach those who are far from Him. Last night I had our ladies name their gifts and they ranged from the ability to relate to those in all situations to their gift to reach those far from God with their artistic ability.  I don’t know what gift(s) God has given you, but it’s pretty clear in this story what the purpose for those gifts are and that is to invest and expand.

This story challenged me to compare myself to the servants and I challenge you to do the same. If you have to be honest with yourself, which servant does your life and actions resemble most? Are you like the first two servants who took what their master had given them and invested and grew the kingdom? Or are you more like the first servant who has taken the gift and hidden it?

In verse 24-25  the servant explains to his master all the reason as to why he didn’t invest what he was given, but the more times I read those two verses the more those reasons begin to sound like excuses. As Christ followers we are called to reach those who are far from God, PERIOD.  In the story the master wasn’t concerned with the all the reasons the servant had for not investing his gift he was only concerned that his kingdom was not grown because the he did not invest.

Listen ya’ll, there are so many excuses we could give that we feel justify why we aren’t using our gift to expand God’s Kingdom.  Busy schedules, being uncomfortable, lack of resources, the list could go on and on and Shoot, I am probably better at giving excuses than any of you who are reading this. But just as the master wasn’t concerned with all the reasons (excuses) his servant gave, God isn’t concerned with mine.

Yesterday my heart wasn’t only convicted with the lack of using my gift to reach his people, but also the misuse of that gift.  There have been more times than I can count that I have used the gift God has given me to move me forward and give me opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s such a wonderful thing to recognize that you have been blessed by God with a gift, but it isn’t just enough to recognize the gift but to understand the purpose of that gift. In the story the servants weren’t given the coins for their own selfish gain. They were given the coins so that they may go and expand their master’s kingdom and we called to do the same. 

I challenged our life group last night to push through our excuses and use our gift to reach those far from God, no matter the cost. I challenged them to push through uncomfortable situations and busy schedules to bring those who are far from God closer to Him and I challenge you to do the same!

I hope this encouraged you the way it did me.

Mark 16:15 “And he said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.’”

Carpet Burns and Obedience

Pictured above is my son Landon (on right) and his friend Cooper (on left). This picture was taken the day of their preschool graduation. What is that on their forehead you ask?  Ohhhh the large scabs are nothing other than the carpet burn that they both gave themselves.  Yes, I said GAVE THEMSELVES.  These two crazy boys had the bright idea to rub their heads on the carpeted rug in their classroom as fast as they could, and this was the result.  And of course they chose the week of their graduation to carry out this bright idea. An idea that they had already been told earlier in the year not to do. 

I was frustrated with Landon when his teacher messaged me at work to let me know what he had just done.  My frustration wasn’t simply because his graduation was Friday and now he would have a huge scab in all of his pictures, but more so I was upset because Landon and Cooper both had been told previously in the year not to do this.  I couldn’t help but think had they both just been obedient and not followed through with something they had been told not to do, none of this would be an issue.

And of course, this where God decided to teach me something. He does this to me often.  He uses the things in my life to teach me practical truths about Him. 

I couldn’t help but think of all the times in my walk with God where I have been called to do something or not do something and my disobedience directly affects my life.  If l listed all the ways that I have been disobedient since I began my walk with Him three years ago we would be here all day.  So many times God has called me to do something or not to do something and I honestly didn’t understand why. Often I chose to do my own thing, simply because his direction and instruction didn’t make much sense to me, and every single time I am left wishing I had been obedient. 

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because just like me, Landon chose to do his own thing that day.  See, here’s the thing that God showed me in that moment.  I knew without a doubt Landon didn’t think about the fact that he would be participating in a graduation in just four days. I am also sure he didn’t have a clue that it could even leave a possible scar on his little head that he would carry for the rest of his life, however Landon did know that he had been asked not to do this, but he chose to do it anyway.  My sweet little boy couldn’t see the big picture, but his teachers could. Landon didn’t understand the reasoning behind the instruction he had been given, it didn’t make sense to him why he shouldn’t do it, so he chose to do what he wanted instead of what was better for him.

Doesn’t this remind you of God and yourself? So many times God instructs us to do or not something because he knows what is best for our lives, but because we can’t see the big picture or see what the affect our choice could have on our life, we do our own thing.  If you are a parent I imagine this post is one that you can relate to completely.  So many times we give our children instruction, not because we want to be bossy or because we just love to tell people what to do, but instead we do this because we can see the bigger picture and we know what is most beneficial for them.   If you do this with and for your children because of the love you have for them, imagine how much more it is true about God and his love for us. 

Look, I know sometimes God’s instruction doesn’t make any sense to us and we think doing our own thing is better. Sometimes when we can't see the purpose behind the instruction it's hard for us to be obedient, and to be honest the more I read the bible the more I realize it was the same way over 2,000 years ago. The week this happened with Landon and his friend Cooper I came across the story of the day that Jesus called his first Disciples.  In Luke Chapter 5 Jesus meets these two guys in a boat who were fisherman, they had fished all night and caught nothing and then Jesus shows up on the scene and instructs them to put down their nets for another catch.  These guys did this for a living, it wasn’t as if they were amateurs at this fishing gig, and then out of nowhere shows up this Jesus, a guy they really didn’t know and tells them to do the same thing that they had been doing all night with no success.  It doesn’t make much sense to me so I know it didn’t to them. But in verse 5, I was blown away by their answer.  It says “Simon answered, “Master we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets” ……BUT BECAUSE YOU SAY SO I WILL!!  Ya’ll if you keep reading the story you will see that not only did they finally catch fish, but they caught so much that their boats began to sink.  I don’t know about you, but I would venture to say that those two guys didn’t regret listening to God’s instruction that day. 

Landon’s self-inflicted carpet burn was such a clear reminder to me of the affect that disobedience can have on our life, but this story about Jesus and these fisherman encourages me that even when things don’t make sense my obedience can change my life. God has an abundant life for me and for you, but we have to be willing to let Him give it to us. 

Graduation and Validation

Validate me!!! Validate me!!! Validate me!!  That’s what the snap chat read that I sent to my friend Brittany as I headed to Tonya’s graduation.

Last night as I started down the road I was filled with excitement for my long time best friend Tonya. After three long years of continued perseverance she had finally finished all the requirements to receive her degree, and there couldn't have been a prouder friend in this world. But the closer I got to the ceremony the harder it became to press down the feelings of insecurity that were rising in me. As proud as I was of Tonya, I was as equally disappointed in myself. As excited as I was to see her walk across that stage I was envious because that’s not something I have ever done. I immediately felt my excitement and joy turning into sadness and disappointment.  In the bible there is a verse that instructs us to take our thoughts captive and submit them to God, but I couldn't help but feel like my thoughts were coming faster than I could captivate.

I began to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of failure, inadequacy and disappointment. There are so many things in my life that I feel like I have left undone. The degree that I never received, the career that I never obtained and the success that I always imagined myself having flashed before my eyes.  I went from being filled with joy and excitement to filling unfulfilled and defeated in minutes.  I could begin to feel my chest tighten and I could almost feel my joy being stripped from me one defeating thought at a time. And before I knew it, tears were filling my disappointed eyes.

Why couldn't things have been different for me? Why couldn't I have listened to the people in my life that encouraged me to continue my education and make something more of myself? Why couldn't I have persevered the way Tonya had and finished my degree so that I too could have walked across a stage and shook hands with Doctors and Deans who would congratulate me on a job well done.  Thought after thought my identity took a beating. I have fought feelings of failure in this area for several years now and finally the camel’s back was broken.  

I was so defeated and disappointed with myself I needed to tell someone, anyone. I picked up my phone and chose Brittany. I began to beg for her validation. I needed her to tell me that she still thought I was wonderful and that even though I was so unaccomplished I was still loved and cherished.  Brittany never replied to the twenty-five ridiculous snap chats that I sent her, but that’s OK because God did.  He replied with “She doesn't need to validate you, Bethany, because I already have.”  My tear filled eyes poured out and in that very moment I began to let God tell me who I was in Him. He spoke to my soul and told me just the opposite of all the things that I was feeling. He told me I was beautiful, loved, worthy and I was HIS child and that there wasn't an accomplishment left undone that could change the love he had for me.

You see, education and success aren't bad things. They are wonderful things that should be celebrated and something to feel proud of. I pray for my son Landon often and boldly that he will one day experience these wonderful things, but now more than ever I will begin to pray that he would find his worth in who God says he is and not in anything else. Degrees, titles, and a successful career are all beneficial and valuable things, they just aren't and never should be things that define who we are. With or without a degree I am still a child of God that He finds valuable enough to send his only son to die for. My identity and worth isn't found in what I do or don’t do but instead it is found in what has been done for me.

Last night I didn't walk away from that amphitheater feeling defeated or worthless, instead I walked away feeling the exact opposite because I chose to walk in the truth of who God says I am. Because of Him I was able to experience such joy and happiness as I celebrated my beautiful and wonderful friend Tonya and her accomplishments.

1 Peter 2:9  

⁹ But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Finally a Pregnancy test that didn't disappoint!!!

In the early part of 2013 Chris and I began to talk about growing our family, and after nine long months of tossing around the idea we made a final decision. By the beginning of 2014 we had made all the financial and logistic changes that needed to be made and we began to try for baby Robinson, but it hasn’t been easy.

With every late cycle came a glimpse of hope and Pinterest would become my best friend. Pin after Pin my excitement would build. Baby reveals, baby showers, and baby names consumed my thoughts but every time there was always a negative pregnancy test to shatter my hopes and dreams.

 For over a year now I have had nothing but negative answers from each pregnancy test that I have taken. I wish that I could write this and tell you that although the answer that I was given wasn’t the answer I had hoped for my heart still rejoiced, but it hasn’t. I wish that I could tell you that the sign of one single line instead of two didn’t devastate my soul, but it has. I wish that there weren’t countless nights filled with tears to tell you about, but there are. The truth is that with every negative answer that I have read I could almost feel the bitterness arise a little at a time inside of me. I could feel my heart becoming numb and apathetic to all the good things that surround me. And the anger, it has been unbearable. I would see women with pregnant bellies and instead of feeling happiness for them I couldn’t think of anything but why she was good enough and I wasn’t. I began to feel numb toward God and avoided a conversation with him at all cost. I showed up to church every Sunday morning but that was honestly out of obligation to my responsibility to the church, not because of my relationship with Him.

 But just like every other time in my life, even in my sour apathy God showed up on a Sunday morning and met me exactly where I was, and finally I cried out to Him in desperation for his comfort. With tears streaming down my face I cried out to him from the bottom of my soul. I told Him I knew that He knows what is best for me. That His will for my life is greater than my own. I know He is a good God who loves me and wants nothing but the best for me, but even though I know and believe all of these things I was still so heartbroken. I couldn’t quite understand how even with this knowledge of his goodness I was supposed to be able look at a negative pregnancy test and not be devastated. I didn't know how to see everyone around me pregnant and not feel hopeless, and I didn't know how to walk past the empty room at the end of my hallway and not feel like I can't breathe because it is still empty. And in that moment I heard Him speak to me that I didn’t have to know how to do any of those things, I just need to make HIM Lord and let him be the source of my joy, not a test and the number of lines that do or don’t appear.

See I have a track record of trying to fill my life with things and relationships to bring me happiness and satisfaction. And I was beginning to see all the similarities to this time and all the other times I have sought out joy in things other than God. Needless to say each and every attempt has failed me miserably. I was putting so much pressure on a pregnancy test and I was letting the results of that determine my emotions. Since the test was negative so was my attitude and outlook. I thought so strongly that if the answers to the test would have been positive then I would be happy, but I was so wrong. Sure being pregnant might would have brought me happiness in the moment, but that is not what I am after and that is not what my soul longs for. I am looking for complete satisfaction and happiness and there is no test or baby in the world that can do that. God has to be that for me. Like I said, I have a track record for these situations where I seek joy in things outside of God and as much as I would love to have a baby and a family of four I am thankful that God used something so close to my heart to reteach me something I desperately need to grasp. This Morning the test that I took was negative and for the first time in sixteen months my soul wasn’t crushed and for that I am thankful. 

Psalm 107:9 “For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”


 PS. Five months ago I was thinking of names and I decided on the name Elizabeth for a girl. I wasn’t sure why, because quite frankly I wasn’t even crazy about the name as a matter of fact I didn’t care for it at all. I just knew in my heart if I ever had a little girl her name was supposed to be Elizabeth. Today I looked up the biblical definition of Elizabeth and it means God is satisfaction. God began his work in teaching me this five months ago ya’ll!! I can’t make this stuff up!

I do not have out door furniture!!!

Every Thursday I host life group at my house. A group of ladies get together and meet, have snacks and dive into God's word. It is my most favorite time of the week!! But this Thursday was going to be a little different! We have quite a few October birthdays in our group so we decided to just spend a Thursday night celebrating these sweet girls and creating community within our group by painting pumpkins outside and enjoying the fall weather! I was sooo excited and looking foward to doing something different with these women...Until an hour before our group was going to meet and it hit me... I have NO out door furniture. NONE. No table, no chairs, no where for twenty women to get their craft on with their baby pumpkins. I wanted to quit. I was seconds away from calling my friend Brittany and having her send out a mass text with a new meeting place because I was not equipped to host this. As women, I think we can all agree that feeling like this is one of our biggest struggles, at least it is mine. I feel like we are in constant battle with ourselves and our thoughts that we are not enough. Rather it be in our physical appearance, in our relationships or even in our calling. Sometimes I think women, myself included, get so caught up in all the things we lack that we forget and drown out all of the things that we do have. We say no to God and the things he's called us to do because we don't think we have what it takes to do the things he's asked of us. But here's the thing... When God has called us or ask us to do something, He doesn't need you to have all the things you think you need or things that you don't have. He just needs you to say YES. He just wants you to use the things and the talents that he has already blessed you with. How many times have you put something off or said no to something you knew God was calling you to do because you felt ill-equipped. I know I have on more than one occasion. Last night I didn't feel like I had what it took to be a host to these women. I thought I didn't have what I needed... I didn't have patio furniture. I had nothing to facilitate twenty women to paint pumpkins outside and enjoy the fall weather. BUT guess what!? We STILL painted pumpkins, we STILL had a night of community among women who love Jesus and desire to know him more. New friendships were STILL made and old friendships were STILL strengthened. Women STILL heard Brittany share from her heart about the unfailing and redeeming God has for each of us. It all STILL happened! None of things I didn't have mattered. All I had to offer was a kitchen table and a willingness (after a small panic attack haha) to use the things that I did have to follow through with something God has called me to do. And that was all that I needed and was all God wanted me to have. Who would have thought that God would have used something so small and simple like not having out door furniture to teach me something so Big. I want to encourage you to not let the feeling of being ill-equipped to stop you from following your dreams and moving forward with the things you know God has called and created you to do!! Don't let the feeling of not being enough drown out the great things God has in store for you!!! “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10

Don't be silenced...

Today in my devotion time with the Lord, I spent some time in the word reading Luke 1:1-25. This passage is about Zechariah and Elizabeth, the parents of John The baptist. For those of you who aren't familiar with the story of these two and the news about the coming of John the baptist I will give you a quick recap.

So this man Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth are two pretty old people who love God. Elizabeth longed to have a child but was not able because she was barren. And then one day Zechariah was visited by the angel Gabriel and was told that his wife Elizabeth would have a son and his name would be John. In verse 18 Zechariah responded to the angel by saying "How shall I now this? For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in years?" Pretty much saying to Gabriel look man, my wife is old how in the world do you expect her to have a baby, and because of Zechariah's disbelief in what God had just promised him, he was silenced. Zechariah was not able to speak until the birth of John the baptist.

I learned a few things from this story that I wanted to share with you! 

Let's start with Elizabeth. I am positive that Elizabeth felt a void from the lack of children she was unable to conceive. I know people who are in their 30's who have trouble conceiving a child and the devastation that it causes. How much more devastated Elizabeth must have been to be barren and on top of that now she is old. BUT even though, even though,  Elizabeth had given up on the prayer that she might have a child, she didn't give up on God. In verse 6 & 7 it tells us "6 And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. 7 but they had no child.."  We have to be like Elizabeth, we can't give up on God just because he hasn't given us what we've asked for, we have to love and serve him in our storm. 

Now on to  Zechariah. I want you to think about the most repetitious prayer that you have prayed in your life. You see there is no doubt that Zechariah had prayed and prayed for his wife to be blessed with a child, but at this stage in Elizabeth's life it would have been some sort of miracle for her to become pregnant. For Pete's sake she was old and I am sure they had tried every which way to have a baby, but it just never happened. It seemed impossible. But one day this beautiful angel show's up on the scene with a promise from God that their miracle was on it's way, but even then Zechariah was in disbelief. He questioned Gabriel he wanted to know how he could be sure, Gabriel's words just weren't enough. Because of Zechariah's disbelief he was silenced!!! 

Can you imagine?? You just had a face to face conversation with a magnificent angel and found out that your wife who you thought couldn't have children was going to have a son, and you can't even tell anyone. You are silenced. I don't know about you, but as a girl who loves to talk, I would have went bonkers!! Just think about all conversations Zechariah missed out on because of his disbelief. The bible tells in verse 20 "And behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things take place, because you did not believe my words..." Until his miracle was fulfilled he missed out. 

Don't be like Zechariah, don't be silenced. If God has promised something to you and you are in a season of waiting, I want to challenge you. Please don't miss out on the joy God has in store for you while you wait. I want to challenge you to wait with anxious expectation. Wait with the belief that the God you are petitioning is great and powerful and IS capable of giving you the miracle. Don't be silenced, just believe. 

My son was gone...

Today, Landon and I were invited to a birthday party for my very best friend's daughter, Natalie!  We were both excited to watch Natalie celebrate her birthday with her family and friends, and I was doubly excited because it meant I was able to spend the day outside with the most precious gift God ever blessed me with, my son Landon.  But, I never expected to experience what happened next.
When we first arrived I noticed how large the playground was and how many people were also enjoying this beautiful day. I was a little apprehensive letting Landon lose to play freely with his friends without hovering over him the whole time, but I know he is getting older and I needed to loosen the reins a bit.  I walked around the play ground to check it out and I was relieved that I  was only able to find one way to exit, so with that peace of mind,  I let him go and play. I even thought to myself, in that moment, I couldn't believe he was at the age now where I felt comfortable doing this. Every few minutes I would check on him and catch a glimpse of his little white head running around like the ninja he is, but then all of a sudden, I couldn't spot him.
It was a large playground so I initially didn't freak out and I started to walk through the play ground imaging his little head popping up and I would feel relieved...but I didn't. By this time the other adults had started to search for him also and I told myself  "It's ok Bethany don't freak out just call his name" but after three times circling the area and calling his name over and over again, I LOST IT! This just can't be happening, my son can't be gone. I couldn't breath; people were asking me what he was wearing and I seriously didn't think I could get the words out of my mouth and not throw up. Tears were streaming down my face and I could barely yell his little name. I felt faint. I don't know how many of you reading this are parents or if this has ever happened to you before, but I don't know that I've experienced anything more heart wrenching and devastating.  My baby boy was no where to be found, and I had no idea what happened to him. And just before I started to yelled to everyone on that playground to stay exactly where they were and not move, I heard "I think he his over here" For the next fifteen minutes I was in my own little world, I can't imagine loving anything more than I love that child and just the mere thought of him being gone from me was more than I could handle.  Out of all the horrible things that I imagined could have happened to Landon when I was searching for him it had to be that someone had taken him from me. You see, I know what makes Landon happy and I know what makes him sad. I know everything about him, I know that he has two moles behind each of his little knees, and I also know that Leonardo is his favorite Ninja Turtle. He is my child and there isn't anyone else that knows him better than me........except God.
That's when I was overwhelmed how God must feel when we step out from under God's care and love.  If I love Landon as much as I do and I am only human, can you even begin to imagine how much God loves YOU?  Psalm 139 13-14 says it all "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."  He made you, he knows exactly what you need and what you don't. He has plans for you and he had those plans long before you were born "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"(Ephesians 2:10) He is YOUR creator, and He knows YOU!
Today, when I layed eyes on that precious boy,  I immediately started running towards him. I didn't care that he had gone to a place I told him not to and I didn't care that I had to call his name over and over again with no answer. I was just happy that my child was back in my arms where he belonged, and I know if I  feel this way about my child, I have no doubt it is how God feels about us.
God doesn't care where you are or where you have been. He doesn't care if he's been calling your name for the last twenty years with no response. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. His grace is never ending and his love is never failing, and He just wants you back in His arms where you belong!!!

If it's been a long time since you have heard just how much God loves you, I would like to encourage you to be my guest tomorrow morning at Revolution Church at the Central YMCA in Gastonia at 10:30


^{Romans 8:38-39
38} For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Crippling Expectations

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the man or woman you love seems to continually disappoint you or fall short?  If you are anything like me, you may be able to deal with it for a time and a season, but eventually you reach a point when enough is enough and we throw in our flag and give up. I remember a time in my life where I thought I had no choice but to give up on my relationship with my fiancé, Chris.  Don’t get me wrong, Chris is a great provider, wonderful dad to our son, and I have never questioned his commitment to me; however I just didn't feel loved. I didn't THINK my expectations were unrealistic, I didn't expect a dozen roses when I walked in from work every day, I just wanted to feel loved, the little things like holding my hand, compliments and such ( I know the ladies know what I’m talking about). Well right about the time I decided I just couldn’t handle anymore disappointment I came to the realization that the things I had experienced in my life had not only set me up to need an overdose of love and affection but also had made me totally insecure and afraid about any situation I found myself in. I needed to constantly feel loved, safe, and secure and Chris was who I looked to for that.  As I started to consider my past and how it had affected me, I also began to consider Chris's past and how it might have affected him.  Chris had never been in a situation where he was completely depended upon, and I’m not exactly what you would call an “independent woman”, especially when it comes to my emotional needs, so it hadn't exactly been easy breezy for him either. We talked about it all and I shared my feelings with him. When the line of communication was open and clear, Chris and I began to work on things.  We both understood each other’s needs and made a commitment to do our best to fix what was wrong. We both agreed that our love for one another was far too real to call it quits.  Chris began to do the small things more often than before, like holding my hand and telling me I was beautiful.  I also started to work on my feelings of insecurity and fear that he would leave me just as my parents had.  For a while, things began to look up, but it didn’t last long.  Chris gave his best effort to make me feel loved and reassure me that my insecurities were false, but it just wasn't enough. I can’t even begin to tell you how devastated I felt when I thought the relationship with the man I planned to marry and the father of my son had come to an end…and then something happened.  Now you can call me crazy, but I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this all took place at the same time I could see God relentlessly pursuing my heart and I made the decision to give my life back to Him.  I just couldn’t understand why I had gained a relationship with God, but I was losing the one with the man I loved.  I prayed and prayed and asked God to change him, and that’s when God revealed to me that Chris wasn’t the problem, it was ME.  You see, Chris was definitely the most important person in my life, and my happiness was strongly dependent on him and how I thought he felt about me.  The expectation I had for him wasn't for him to simply hold my hand and compliment me, I had been expecting him to be my EVERYTHING... my love, my best friend, my protector, my provider, and so much more.  The expectations that I had placed on him were BEYOND unrealistic.  It doesn’t matter how incredible and wonderful Chris actually is, it is totally impossible for a MAN to do a job that GOD only intended for Himself.  When I allowed God to be my EVERYTHING my love, my best friend, my protection, and my provider; the expectation I had put on Chris quickly began to fade along with the constant disappointment. Once I finally quit expecting Chris to do something for me that only God can do, our love exploded and is stronger now than ever before.  We live in a world where everything changes; Jobs change, body images change, your financial situation can change, everything can change.  I don’t know about you, but I’ll take my chances on letting the only thing from the beginning of time that hasn’t changed to be my EVERYTHING, rather than something or someone that can change overnight and can be gone within a blink of an eye!  God, I can never thank you enough for saving my life and my relationship.  Thank you for blessing me with such an incredible man that I am now madly in love with all because You allowed me to free him of all the unrealistic expectations I had put on him!    

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

Life-Changing Baptism

Several months ago I made the decision to be baptized.  I had recently given my life back to Christ and growing up in a Christian home had taught me that being baptized was my next step of obedience and a way of showing everyone around me an outward expression of an inward change that had happened in my life.  When I decided that I should be baptized that was exactly what I was doing, I was being obedient and I was proclaiming Christ as my savior, and that was it… to me it meant nothing more and nothing less. 

As time passed I became more and more involved at Revolution. I began to surround myself with amazing people who were teaching me so much about this sweet Jesus that I had surrendered my life to.  Sadly, up until this point my view on God had been clouded with a lot of what you can’t do when you follow him rather than what you CAN do when you choose to follow Him.  I learned that God already knows that I can’t walk perfectly, but that I CAN walk perfectly in his grace and mercy.  I learned that God already knows my next step and decision before I ever make it, and because he already knows that he can never be disappointed in me.  I learned that he never uncovers something hurtful in our lives without providing everything we need to be healed.  I learned that he is my protection; never again do I have to spend my time building walls around my heart to protect myself from being hurt because He guards it for me.  Most importantly I learned that this amazing God is willing and ready to take away all of my sorrows.  This may not seem like a huge deal to a lot of you, but to me, there isn’t anything greater.  Maybe things in your life have always been great, maybe you don’t have any troubles or sorrows to bare, and if that’s the case I would consider yourself truly blessed.  Although for me, I can’t say the same for my life.  I’ve faced some pretty low times, I have experienced a lot of heartache, and I could probably write an entire book on all the hurt I’ve felt. But now I know that He will always be there to pick me up when I fall, He has the ability to mend my broken heart that seemed impossible to be made whole again, and He can turn my hurt into joy.   This amazing God can do all of this for me and all I have to do is simply ask… seems pretty unrealistic huh? Well, my life is a perfect testimony of his amazing grace.  I had tried anything and everything, and it wasn’t until I ran out of things to try did I decide to turn to him, and even though He had become my last resort, when I came running to Him, I found Him standing with his arms open wide ready to embrace every part of me.  He embraced my hurt, my struggles, my shame, my sadness, and my unforgiving heart; not only did he embrace every part of myself that I hated, but He was willing to take any part of me that was damaged and make it new and whole. 

After learning all of these amazing things that God has the power to do for me, being baptized today became so much more than just my next step of obedience and a public proclamation of my salvation, being baptized today was incredibly symbolic to me.  This morning, I walked into that water a hurt and broken hearted girl; a girl that in every way imaginable was nothing more than a lost cause.  I was carrying more hurt and pain and unforgiveness than I could bare, but I am so excited to tell you that the girl that walked into the water is no where near the same person who walked out.  The girl that walked out of that water this morning is no longer hurting, my heart is no longer broken, and I am the FARTHEST thing from a lost cause you can find!!! I am happily no longer that damaged girl, today I have been made new and  for the first time in my life I am complete and whole!!! 

Something silly turned into beautiful

Although I was only a child, I can still remember as if it were yesterday watching my momma run around our house cleaning like a crazy lady with the radio blaring as loud as it would go! Like most of us, music always seemed to motivate her and get her going, and by the time she was done, our house would be immaculate. Typically her choice of music would be some sort of Christian radio or Christian CD, and it was without fail, when that was her choice of music, I could catch her standing completely still every so often with her eyes closed, hands lifted high, and singing even more loudly than before.  Admittedly, as a child this would often confuse me.  I can remember thinking to myself, what in the world she is doing?? Does she know how silly she looks? We aren’t even at church, there is no band, and it is just her and that dust thingy she would carry around attacking every dust bunny she could find.  I never thought that my memory of my momma looking completely silly would turn into a memory of something so beautiful. 

As I get older I find myself being more and more like my mom in so many different ways, even more so now that I have given my life to the same Savior that she belonged to.  Fridays have become my designated day to “deep clean” my house. You know the sweeping, dusting, mopping, and attacking dust bunnies that you don’t have time to do during the work week.  But this morning I was having a hard time getting motivated clean, so just like my mom use to do I plugged in my skull candy’s and turned the music up on my phone as loud as it would go, and there it was out of nowhere I found my motivation.  It must be some sort of psychological thing that makes cleaning easier when you are doing it to music, who knows.  But anyway, my choice of music today was a Christian radio station on slacker radio.  I was cleaning like nobody’s business , and out of nowhere I found myself standing completely still with my eyes closed, hands lifted high, and singing as loudly as I possibly could; just like my mom use to do.  After I was finished having my “Jesus moment” I opened my eyes and started to laugh.  I thought to myself that it is officially, I am JUST like my momma. 

Some of you may know and others may not, but when I was 17 I lost both of my parents. My dad took my mom’s life and then proceeded to take his own.  For years I searched for a cure to heal my heart, and I was never able to find one.  I am happy to say that after a long journey, and a lot of dead end roads I finally did, I finally found God.  Since that moment when I gave my life to that awesome God I have found victory in my tragedy, and my life has completely and forever been changed! I can’t even begin to tell you all the wonderful things I have experienced since that moment. But today was definitely one of those wonderful experiences. 

My mother’s life, just like my own, had set her up to need a cure for her hurt just as I did.  Fortunately for her, she had found the same healer that I have found.  Today while I was cleaning and singing the words to the song that say “There is no power in hell, or any who can stand against the power of the presence of the Great I AM.”  It was clear to me why momma would lift her hands and praise God right there in the middle of our living room. Just like me, she had found an answer to all her hurt and sorrow.  Today it just wasn’t enough just to sing the words. As silly as it may have looked, I had to lift my hands and praise my God that completely redefined who I was.  The God who made it possible for me to no longer be the girl that lost both her parents, the girl that was broken and damaged, and the girl that no matter what she tried she was still the same empty and sad girl she was when she was seventeen. Instead I am the girl that is wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), the girl who may not understand why things happen but He will make them work out to the best of my benefit (Romans 8:28), and lastly the girl that even though what happened to me was meant to kill and destroy every part of my soul has the potential to save the lives of many (Genesis 50:20).  My story is no longer a tragedy, but instead it is an amazing victory; a story that I want to share with the entire world.  To me, that is something that deserves more than just singing the lyrics of a song, or saying a simple prayer.  That is something that makes me stop what I am doing, and give everything that I have, because God has given me a new life, He has given me a victory instead of a tragedy.  That is not something silly, but that is something incredibly beautiful. 

Useless Band-Aids

Two weeks ago tomorrow a girl that I have never met lost both her parents in a murder/suicide tragedy; she is only 17 which is the same age I was when I experienced the SAME tragedy with my parents. After this happened to this girl I began to receive multiple messages through face book and phone calls from people that I had never even met before asking me to reach out and connect with this young girl.  I was more than happy and willing to talk with her and just let her know that she wasn’t alone, and just offer her some encouragement through this difficult time; but I was SO unaware of all the emotions I was going to face. I guess about the third day or so into being aware of this young girl and what she was going through, I began to become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that I had not felt or experienced in almost seven years.  I knew exactly what this girl was going through so I was extremely compassionate and sympathetic to how I assumed she was feeling, and I would be lying if I told you it didn’t feel like it had just happened to me ALL over again.  I began to feel hate, unforgiveness, hurt, anger, bitterness, any negative emotion that you can possibly think of, that’s how I felt.  It was almost as if someone had ripped away the band-aid I was using to cover my hurt and pain. As all of these hurtful emotions began to consume every part of me, my spirits weren’t joyful and bubbly the way that they have been since I gave my heart back to the one whom it belonged to.  My fiancé Chris had even started to notice the change in my attitude, everyday he would ask what was wrong with me, and everyday I would say “nothing”… but it wasn’t that nothing that was wrong, it was just nothing that I wanted to talk about.  I didn’t want to talk about how I felt like I had just lost both of my parents all over again.  I didn’t want to tell him how it felt to know that ME, his own daughter, wasn’t worth sticking around for and fixing whatever it was that was wrong.  I didn’t want to talk about the fact that my mom didn’t do what I think she could have done to avoid this tragedy, I didn’t want to talk about the torn feeling I had to love the man that was my daddy and to hate the man that took their lives.  I didn’t want to talk about ANY of it, I just wanted all the pain to go away. For the last seven years I have been desperately trying make this pain go away. I have been attempting to cover my hurt with Band-Aid after Band-Aid after Band-Aid.  I can remember the first Band-Aid that I chose, relationships, and when that didn’t work I tried the money Band-Aid, using money and materialistic things to fill a void that was so deep.  When money failed me, I have to shamefully admit my next Band-Aid became drugs and alcohol, I tried to numb myself from the pain that I was feeling, but of course that didn’t work either.  Oh but if I could just have my own family, a child of my own to love and care for, I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel sad and lonely, I would be needed and loved, I like to call this one my Landon Band-Aid.  But not even that precious blue eyed little boy could fix what was broken inside of me… with each Band-Aid I tried, I found myself at the same place I started, a hurt, damaged, sad, disappointed girl. I was at a dead-end road with no where to run, I had tried almost EVERYTHING, the only thing that I hadn’t turned to was God.  The only Band-Aid I hadn’t tried was the Jesus Band-Aid.  In my desperation to be happy, to not feel so broken, and just to have joy in my life, I reluctantly slapped on the Jesus Band-Aid. This Band-Aid was so different from all the others that I had worn before, I truly felt happy, content, and joyful.  This was it!  I had finally, after seven years of searching and trying one useless Band-Aid after another, I had actually found the one that worked.  So I guess you can understand the shock I felt when two weeks ago my Band-Aid was ripped right off with no hesitation.  For next several days I prayed like a crazy lady.  I prayed for peace, strength, I prayed for just about anything that could help me get through all the things I was feeling, but it wasn’t working.   It wasn’t making any sense, If I really do have this super awesome Jesus on my side why isn’t he helping me???  Why isn’t my Jesus Band-Aid working anymore?? Then it all became so clear to me, Jesus never wanted to be my Band-Aid.  He never wanted to just cover my hurt, he never wanted to just cover up my sadness, and he never wanted to just cover up my broken heart… He wanted to HEAL it.  For years I have been fighting a battle that has already been won.  I have been carrying feelings of hurt, brokenness, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness; all the while this amazing God has been waiting for me to give the hurt to him.  You see, God doesn’t want to be my Band-Aid because he doesn’t want me to need one. He doesn’t want me to carry any of those feelings or emotions anymore because he knows that I am not strong enough to carry them without falling, so he wants to carry them for me. You see, if I truly give God all of my hurt and pain, then I have nothing to cover and I have no use for a band-aid, and that is exactly what I am choosing to do from this point on.  Today, I choose to no longer be hurt and damaged and I choose to no longer fight a fight that has already been won.  Today, I choose to not just cover up my hurt with anymore Band-Aids, from this point on I choose to be healed and made new. Today I choose to give it ALL to God.  After all, everyone knows a wound will never heal if you leave the band-aid over it, eventually you have to rip off and let it heal. Thank you God for ripping my band-aid off for me. 

My heart's desire

I can remember as if it were yesterday standing on the verge of making that life changing decision to follow Christ… there were so many unanswered questions that I had and I am ashamed to say, at the age of 23, one of my biggest questions and fears was what would all of my friends think??? I was paralyzed by that thought… How much more high school and juvenile could I get?  You would think that after becoming a mother, and taking on the responsibilities of the “adult life” worrying about what my friends would think would be a fear that I wouldn’t be so concerned about… but truthfully it wasn’t.  It was probably one of the biggest things that kept me away from living this amazing life that I live now…

I can remember being absolutely petrified by the thought that I would be walking alone in this new life that I was choosing.  I am by no means a loner kinda person, to be honest I think that my picture could be listed under the definition as an extrovert in the good ole webster dictionary, so for me the thought of doing this alone scared me to the point where my decision to follow this Jesus that I desperately needed was dependent on that fear.  However with time, my desperate need for something new, something better, and something bigger out weighed my fear of losing my friends and being alone and I reluctantly accepted the invitation to follow Him.  The decision that I made that night has been nothing less than the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. 

When I look back and remember that paralyzing fear that I felt when I was so close to making that life changing decision I can’t help but laugh, seriously I laugh out loud about the entire thing.  Since I made that decision I can honestly tell you that I am so far from alone it’s unreal.  I started attending Revolution Church not even 10 weeks ago and joined a life group and I gained more friends than I ever imagined having.  I cannot imagine my life without the support and the encouragement that these girls overwhelm me with.  And as if that wasn’t enough, in the last two weeks I have been reunited with two of my closest friends that I haven’t been connected with in quite sometime and now I get to walk along side of them in their new walk with Christ!!!!

Alone??? I think not my friend!!!

Shockingly, within just a few weeks of turning my life completely over to that amazing Savior, He totally and completed squashed the fear that kept me from him for so long.  He not only surrounded me with people that would walk with me in this new journey I was taking, but he also gave me back friends that I had lost touch with… What an amazing God He truly is!

The point of all this jibber jabber is; don’t let whatever crippling fear you may have keep you from making that decision to be changed and to be made new.  Whatever the fear or concern may be, this super awesome Jesus I am telling you about will not only take care of it for you, but he will make it better than you ever imagined possible.  I can remember hearing “God will give you the desires of your heart” pretty much from the time I was old enough to breathe and I’m happy to say I guess they were right after all!!!

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires” – Psalm 37:4

Father's Day.

In honor of Father’s Day I felt like this was something I should share.

Some of you reading this are already aware and some of you may not know, but at 17 I lost both of my parents.  My daddy took my momma’s life and within minutes proceeded to take his own.  Within seconds, everything that I knew and loved was instantly stripped from me, all because of one selfish decision to solve a TEMPORARY problem with a PERMANENT solution. 

I have struggled with forgiving my daddy for his terrible decision.  Growing up in a Christian home I am fully aware that in order to receive forgiveness one must forgive, but as you can imagine forgiving someone for taking your mother’s life isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world to do.  On top of that, it wasn’t a stranger that didn’t know she was mother to two teenagers that still needed her guidance and love; on the contrary, it was the father of the two children that not only needed her but also needed him that took her life.  No, it wasn’t just a stranger, it was my daddy, and it was her husband.  How could he do this? How could he be so incredibly selfish? He knew we needed them, he had to know what kind of effect this would have on me and my brother… Why would he ever do such a terrible thing??

As you can imagine I miss my momma dearly.  It will be seven years this December 31 that she was taken from me, and I don’t think there has been a single day that I have not thought about her.  On average, she is in my dreams 5 out the 7 days a week.  I know where she is today because of her personal relationship with Jesus, and as wonderful as I imagine it is in heaven I can’t help but to find myself selfishly wishing she were still here with me.  Missing momma is a natural thing as you would assume, but I guess you can imagine missing my daddy wouldn’t be exactly so natural. 

About two weeks ago at work I was standing around thinking and I felt something that I have never felt, at least not since my parents had died… I. MISSED. MY. DAD.  I miss my dad?? What?? How could this be, how could I miss someone that has caused me so much heartache and pain? How can I miss the person that at times, makes me consider myself damaged? No way, I’ve got this all wrong.  I can’t be missing him. Can I?  It was in that same instance that I knew, I was indeed missing my dad, my heart ached for him, my heart reached out with compassion and love. Within a blink of an eye I felt forgiveness running through my entire body. 

In February of this year I gave my life back to Christ, I gave him complete and total control and I know because of that decision I made a few months back, I was able to feel what I felt that day at work.  I missed my dad. I genuinely missed him. Weird huh?  It all became so clear to me following those emotions.  I am able to miss my dad because I am slowly learning to forgive him. With God’s help and amazing grace, and one day at time I am learning to forgive him for that decision he made. 

I truly believe that when you truly give your life to God, you become one with him.  I believe that He is with you and you are with Him.   When this happens you are able to look at and think about someone with a different set of eyes and a different mind.  You are able to view someone the way that God sees them instead of the way you see them.  Instead of thinking, what a selfish man, what a terrible decision, how could you be so stupid and impulsive, I HATE YOU.  Now I am able to think, I’m so sorry that you were sick, I know that if you could take it back you would, I wish there was some way that I could have helped you, and regardless of your selfish decision I UNCONDITIONALY LOVE YOU.  

I can’t imagine that any one of us miss someone that we hate, I guess that is why I was never able to miss him because my heart was filled with hate.  Now that my heart has been taken over by an amazing, never failing, always compassionate, love you like there is no tomorrow Jesus, I am able to love my daddy and because I am able to love him I am able to miss him. 

Thank you Lord for filling my heart with love and compassion towards a man that I never thought I could love again. Thank you for filling the void that I never thought would be filled.  But most of all, thank you for giving me the ability and strength, with your help, to truly forgive my daddy. 

Happy Father’s day Daddy.
LOVE,
Bethany

Not in the mood for God...

There isn’t any sense in beating around the bush, this week has sucked… yeah, yeah I know what you’re thinking it’s probably the same thing I think when I think something sucks… compared to everyone else’s REAL problems my problems are small and really not even worth complaining about.  There are people in this world that are going hungry, don’t know where they are laying their head when the sun sets, and own nothing more than the clothes on their back. Sure, when you think about it that way, my problems are minute and not worth complaining about, but in Bethany’s self-absorbed world my complaints are REAL and are worth complaining about.  You my friend, have just stepped into Bethany’s world…                                                                                   

I have a tendency to let my thoughts get the best of me; I apparently have a vivid imagination that I was unaware of.   I have the ability to turn the most insignificant, smallest, and minor, itty bitty mole hills into the most enormous, biggest, greatest, tallest, massive, humungous, most extraordinary mountains you have ever seen. Literally.  I can turn an innocent statement that means absolutely nothing into something that has the ability to turn my life completely upside down. I feel like I never have peace because I let my thoughts torment my life.  My thoughts always remind me of that song by Journey “Wheel in the Sky” except it’s the (Now sing this in your best “Journey” voice to get the full effect haha)  “Wheels in my mind keep on turning, I don’t know where my thoughts will be tomorrow”  But seriously, that’s why my week sucked… I let my negative thoughts completely consume my every moment.  They say your mind is a powerful thing, well I’m pretty sure Superman along with Wonder Woman, the Hulk, Spider Man, and Batman have teamed up and somehow transferred all  their super hero powers to my mind… seriously that’s possible, right? The only problem is, I think my mind received all the powers, but failed to read the memo that came with them.  You know, the memo saying you’re supposed to turn bad into good, fight against evil, and make things better.  However, it appears my mind read it backwards and turns good into bad, partners with evil, and makes everything worse…   Well that is just fan-freakin-tastic… NOT!!!! I guess I should have bought that “hooked on phonics” after all huh

Well this week has been nothing more than mole hills, but of course as you just learned, I turned them all into something similar to Mt Everest.  So yeah, my problems may not seem that big in the scheme of things, but you try climbing Mt Everest 7 days in a row and see if you’re week don’t suck.  Climbing Mt Everest obviously isn’t an easy task, but letting someone carry you up the mountain sounds pretty awesome if you ask me…  You get to the top, the same as you would as if took the journey alone, but you are nowhere near as tired as you would be had you been the one walking. Sure, you experienced the rough parts of the journey.  Sure, you would be there during obstacles and hardships that come with climbing the mountain, but you will only feel the secondary aftermath of the trials, you will never have to experience the direct effect.  It sounds to me like being CARRIED up the mountain is the much better option than climbing the mountain yourself.

Well during my metaphorical climb of Mt Everest this week, I really wish I would have chosen to be carried. Instead, I chose to travel alone.  I decided, since God didn’t keep Mt Everest from sneaking up on me, he wasn’t going to be tagging along with me.  Quite frankly, I just wasn’t in the mood for Him.  I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it is the truth.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I looked at my devotional lying on my bathroom counter and quickly turned away from it. Heck no, I’m not reading it today, I JUST DON’T CARE!!!!! I feel completely defeated and want nothing to do with it. I shouldn’t even have to deal with this crap, I’ve been a good person, but yet you are still letting my mind turn little things into big things.  At that moment I just was not in the mood for God, but OOOOHHHHHHH how I sincerely wish I would have been….

Today I still wasn’t exactly “in the mood” and since we are being honest, I was letting my youngin play outside and had nothing better to do, so I picked up the devotional.  I figured since I didn’t read yesterday’s I might as well catch up, and read it before I read today’s…. This is when my wishful thinking kicked in…

Yesterday’s Devotional from the book Jesus Calling (I strongly suggest this book, it has rocked my world)

May 31                                                                                                                                                 

 “THE PEACE THAT I GIVE YOU transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift.  I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round: going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. All the while, My Peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.                                                                                                                                                                       Be still in My Presence, inviting me to control your THOUGHTS. Let My Light soak into your mind and heart, until you are aglow with My very Being.  This is the most effective way to receive My Peace. “       

Wow… If only I had been “in the mood” for God yesterday… If only I had let him carry me through my troubles, if only I had given him control of my thoughts… Maybe that mole hill would have never turned into a mountain…. Yesterday’s devotional was meant for me to read, but I was traveling alone and didn’t want to accept any help.  He was there to help all long and pick me up, but I never allowed Him to.  Ohhh how I wish I would have.  I think it’s safe to say, I learned a VERY valuable lesson.

Rather your mountains really are mountains, or your mind has the same super hero powers that my mind obviously has and you turn your mole hills into mountains… Let God carry you; in whatever you do, don’t travel alone.  Sure, you’re still going to experience the journey, you’re going to go through the obstacles and hardships, but you will never have to experience the direct effect. If you will choose to be carried, I can promise you, when you reach the top; you will not find yourself as exhausted as you will be if you choose to travel alone.