In the early part of 2013 Chris and I began to talk about growing our family, and after nine long months of tossing around the idea we made a final decision. By the beginning of 2014 we had made all the financial and logistic changes that needed to be made and we began to try for baby Robinson, but it hasn’t been easy.
With every late cycle came a glimpse of hope and Pinterest would become my best friend. Pin after Pin my excitement would build. Baby reveals, baby showers, and baby names consumed my thoughts but every time there was always a negative pregnancy test to shatter my hopes and dreams.
For over a year now I have had nothing but negative answers from each pregnancy test that I have taken. I wish that I could write this and tell you that although the answer that I was given wasn’t the answer I had hoped for my heart still rejoiced, but it hasn’t. I wish that I could tell you that the sign of one single line instead of two didn’t devastate my soul, but it has. I wish that there weren’t countless nights filled with tears to tell you about, but there are. The truth is that with every negative answer that I have read I could almost feel the bitterness arise a little at a time inside of me. I could feel my heart becoming numb and apathetic to all the good things that surround me. And the anger, it has been unbearable. I would see women with pregnant bellies and instead of feeling happiness for them I couldn’t think of anything but why she was good enough and I wasn’t. I began to feel numb toward God and avoided a conversation with him at all cost. I showed up to church every Sunday morning but that was honestly out of obligation to my responsibility to the church, not because of my relationship with Him.
But just like every other time in my life, even in my sour apathy God showed up on a Sunday morning and met me exactly where I was, and finally I cried out to Him in desperation for his comfort. With tears streaming down my face I cried out to him from the bottom of my soul. I told Him I knew that He knows what is best for me. That His will for my life is greater than my own. I know He is a good God who loves me and wants nothing but the best for me, but even though I know and believe all of these things I was still so heartbroken. I couldn’t quite understand how even with this knowledge of his goodness I was supposed to be able look at a negative pregnancy test and not be devastated. I didn't know how to see everyone around me pregnant and not feel hopeless, and I didn't know how to walk past the empty room at the end of my hallway and not feel like I can't breathe because it is still empty. And in that moment I heard Him speak to me that I didn’t have to know how to do any of those things, I just need to make HIM Lord and let him be the source of my joy, not a test and the number of lines that do or don’t appear.
See I have a track record of trying to fill my life with things and relationships to bring me happiness and satisfaction. And I was beginning to see all the similarities to this time and all the other times I have sought out joy in things other than God. Needless to say each and every attempt has failed me miserably. I was putting so much pressure on a pregnancy test and I was letting the results of that determine my emotions. Since the test was negative so was my attitude and outlook. I thought so strongly that if the answers to the test would have been positive then I would be happy, but I was so wrong. Sure being pregnant might would have brought me happiness in the moment, but that is not what I am after and that is not what my soul longs for. I am looking for complete satisfaction and happiness and there is no test or baby in the world that can do that. God has to be that for me. Like I said, I have a track record for these situations where I seek joy in things outside of God and as much as I would love to have a baby and a family of four I am thankful that God used something so close to my heart to reteach me something I desperately need to grasp. This Morning the test that I took was negative and for the first time in sixteen months my soul wasn’t crushed and for that I am thankful.
Psalm 107:9 “For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”
PS. Five months ago I was thinking of names and I decided on the name Elizabeth for a girl. I wasn’t sure why, because quite frankly I wasn’t even crazy about the name as a matter of fact I didn’t care for it at all. I just knew in my heart if I ever had a little girl her name was supposed to be Elizabeth. Today I looked up the biblical definition of Elizabeth and it means God is satisfaction. God began his work in teaching me this five months ago ya’ll!! I can’t make this stuff up!
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