Validate me!!! Validate me!!! Validate me!! That’s what the snap chat read that I sent to
my friend Brittany as I headed to Tonya’s graduation.
Last night as I started down the road I was filled with
excitement for my long time best friend Tonya. After three long years of
continued perseverance she had finally finished all the requirements to receive
her degree, and there couldn't have been a prouder friend in this world. But
the closer I got to the ceremony the harder it became to press down the feelings
of insecurity that were rising in me. As proud as I was of Tonya, I was as
equally disappointed in myself. As excited as I was to see her walk across that
stage I was envious because that’s not something I have ever done. I
immediately felt my excitement and joy turning into sadness and
disappointment. In the bible there is a
verse that instructs us to take our thoughts captive and submit them to God,
but I couldn't help but feel like my thoughts were coming faster than I could
captivate.
I began to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of failure,
inadequacy and disappointment. There are so many things in my life that I feel
like I have left undone. The degree that I never received, the career that I
never obtained and the success that I always imagined myself having flashed
before my eyes. I went from being filled
with joy and excitement to filling unfulfilled and defeated in minutes. I could begin to feel my chest tighten and I
could almost feel my joy being stripped from me one defeating thought at a
time. And before I knew it, tears were filling my disappointed eyes.
Why couldn't things have been different for me? Why couldn't
I have listened to the people in my life that encouraged me to continue my
education and make something more of myself? Why couldn't I have persevered the
way Tonya had and finished my degree so that I too could have walked across a
stage and shook hands with Doctors and Deans who would congratulate me on a job
well done. Thought after thought my
identity took a beating. I have fought feelings of failure in this area for
several years now and finally the camel’s back was broken.
I was so defeated and disappointed with myself I needed to
tell someone, anyone. I picked up my phone and chose Brittany. I began to beg
for her validation. I needed her to tell me that she still thought I was
wonderful and that even though I was so unaccomplished I was still loved and
cherished. Brittany never replied to the
twenty-five ridiculous snap chats that I sent her, but that’s OK because God
did. He replied with “She doesn't need
to validate you, Bethany, because I already have.” My tear filled eyes poured out and in that
very moment I began to let God tell me who I was in Him. He spoke to my soul
and told me just the opposite of all the things that I was feeling. He told me
I was beautiful, loved, worthy and I was HIS child and that there wasn't an
accomplishment left undone that could change the love he had for me.
You see, education and success aren't bad things. They are
wonderful things that should be celebrated and something to feel proud of. I
pray for my son Landon often and boldly that he will one day experience these
wonderful things, but now more than ever I will begin to pray that he would
find his worth in who God says he is and not in anything else. Degrees, titles,
and a successful career are all beneficial and valuable things, they just
aren't and never should be things that define who we are. With or without a
degree I am still a child of God that He finds valuable enough to send his only
son to die for. My identity and worth isn't found in what I do or don’t do but
instead it is found in what has been done for me.
Last night I didn't walk away from that amphitheater feeling defeated or
worthless, instead I walked away feeling the exact opposite because I chose to
walk in the truth of who God says I am. Because of Him I was able to experience
such joy and happiness as I celebrated my beautiful and wonderful friend Tonya
and her accomplishments.
1 Peter 2:9
9 But you are a chosen people, a
royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s
special possession, that you may declare the praises of
him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
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