Useless Band-Aids

Two weeks ago tomorrow a girl that I have never met lost both her parents in a murder/suicide tragedy; she is only 17 which is the same age I was when I experienced the SAME tragedy with my parents. After this happened to this girl I began to receive multiple messages through face book and phone calls from people that I had never even met before asking me to reach out and connect with this young girl.  I was more than happy and willing to talk with her and just let her know that she wasn’t alone, and just offer her some encouragement through this difficult time; but I was SO unaware of all the emotions I was going to face. I guess about the third day or so into being aware of this young girl and what she was going through, I began to become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that I had not felt or experienced in almost seven years.  I knew exactly what this girl was going through so I was extremely compassionate and sympathetic to how I assumed she was feeling, and I would be lying if I told you it didn’t feel like it had just happened to me ALL over again.  I began to feel hate, unforgiveness, hurt, anger, bitterness, any negative emotion that you can possibly think of, that’s how I felt.  It was almost as if someone had ripped away the band-aid I was using to cover my hurt and pain. As all of these hurtful emotions began to consume every part of me, my spirits weren’t joyful and bubbly the way that they have been since I gave my heart back to the one whom it belonged to.  My fiancé Chris had even started to notice the change in my attitude, everyday he would ask what was wrong with me, and everyday I would say “nothing”… but it wasn’t that nothing that was wrong, it was just nothing that I wanted to talk about.  I didn’t want to talk about how I felt like I had just lost both of my parents all over again.  I didn’t want to tell him how it felt to know that ME, his own daughter, wasn’t worth sticking around for and fixing whatever it was that was wrong.  I didn’t want to talk about the fact that my mom didn’t do what I think she could have done to avoid this tragedy, I didn’t want to talk about the torn feeling I had to love the man that was my daddy and to hate the man that took their lives.  I didn’t want to talk about ANY of it, I just wanted all the pain to go away. For the last seven years I have been desperately trying make this pain go away. I have been attempting to cover my hurt with Band-Aid after Band-Aid after Band-Aid.  I can remember the first Band-Aid that I chose, relationships, and when that didn’t work I tried the money Band-Aid, using money and materialistic things to fill a void that was so deep.  When money failed me, I have to shamefully admit my next Band-Aid became drugs and alcohol, I tried to numb myself from the pain that I was feeling, but of course that didn’t work either.  Oh but if I could just have my own family, a child of my own to love and care for, I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel sad and lonely, I would be needed and loved, I like to call this one my Landon Band-Aid.  But not even that precious blue eyed little boy could fix what was broken inside of me… with each Band-Aid I tried, I found myself at the same place I started, a hurt, damaged, sad, disappointed girl. I was at a dead-end road with no where to run, I had tried almost EVERYTHING, the only thing that I hadn’t turned to was God.  The only Band-Aid I hadn’t tried was the Jesus Band-Aid.  In my desperation to be happy, to not feel so broken, and just to have joy in my life, I reluctantly slapped on the Jesus Band-Aid. This Band-Aid was so different from all the others that I had worn before, I truly felt happy, content, and joyful.  This was it!  I had finally, after seven years of searching and trying one useless Band-Aid after another, I had actually found the one that worked.  So I guess you can understand the shock I felt when two weeks ago my Band-Aid was ripped right off with no hesitation.  For next several days I prayed like a crazy lady.  I prayed for peace, strength, I prayed for just about anything that could help me get through all the things I was feeling, but it wasn’t working.   It wasn’t making any sense, If I really do have this super awesome Jesus on my side why isn’t he helping me???  Why isn’t my Jesus Band-Aid working anymore?? Then it all became so clear to me, Jesus never wanted to be my Band-Aid.  He never wanted to just cover my hurt, he never wanted to just cover up my sadness, and he never wanted to just cover up my broken heart… He wanted to HEAL it.  For years I have been fighting a battle that has already been won.  I have been carrying feelings of hurt, brokenness, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness; all the while this amazing God has been waiting for me to give the hurt to him.  You see, God doesn’t want to be my Band-Aid because he doesn’t want me to need one. He doesn’t want me to carry any of those feelings or emotions anymore because he knows that I am not strong enough to carry them without falling, so he wants to carry them for me. You see, if I truly give God all of my hurt and pain, then I have nothing to cover and I have no use for a band-aid, and that is exactly what I am choosing to do from this point on.  Today, I choose to no longer be hurt and damaged and I choose to no longer fight a fight that has already been won.  Today, I choose to not just cover up my hurt with anymore Band-Aids, from this point on I choose to be healed and made new. Today I choose to give it ALL to God.  After all, everyone knows a wound will never heal if you leave the band-aid over it, eventually you have to rip off and let it heal. Thank you God for ripping my band-aid off for me.