Father's Day.

In honor of Father’s Day I felt like this was something I should share.

Some of you reading this are already aware and some of you may not know, but at 17 I lost both of my parents.  My daddy took my momma’s life and within minutes proceeded to take his own.  Within seconds, everything that I knew and loved was instantly stripped from me, all because of one selfish decision to solve a TEMPORARY problem with a PERMANENT solution. 

I have struggled with forgiving my daddy for his terrible decision.  Growing up in a Christian home I am fully aware that in order to receive forgiveness one must forgive, but as you can imagine forgiving someone for taking your mother’s life isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world to do.  On top of that, it wasn’t a stranger that didn’t know she was mother to two teenagers that still needed her guidance and love; on the contrary, it was the father of the two children that not only needed her but also needed him that took her life.  No, it wasn’t just a stranger, it was my daddy, and it was her husband.  How could he do this? How could he be so incredibly selfish? He knew we needed them, he had to know what kind of effect this would have on me and my brother… Why would he ever do such a terrible thing??

As you can imagine I miss my momma dearly.  It will be seven years this December 31 that she was taken from me, and I don’t think there has been a single day that I have not thought about her.  On average, she is in my dreams 5 out the 7 days a week.  I know where she is today because of her personal relationship with Jesus, and as wonderful as I imagine it is in heaven I can’t help but to find myself selfishly wishing she were still here with me.  Missing momma is a natural thing as you would assume, but I guess you can imagine missing my daddy wouldn’t be exactly so natural. 

About two weeks ago at work I was standing around thinking and I felt something that I have never felt, at least not since my parents had died… I. MISSED. MY. DAD.  I miss my dad?? What?? How could this be, how could I miss someone that has caused me so much heartache and pain? How can I miss the person that at times, makes me consider myself damaged? No way, I’ve got this all wrong.  I can’t be missing him. Can I?  It was in that same instance that I knew, I was indeed missing my dad, my heart ached for him, my heart reached out with compassion and love. Within a blink of an eye I felt forgiveness running through my entire body. 

In February of this year I gave my life back to Christ, I gave him complete and total control and I know because of that decision I made a few months back, I was able to feel what I felt that day at work.  I missed my dad. I genuinely missed him. Weird huh?  It all became so clear to me following those emotions.  I am able to miss my dad because I am slowly learning to forgive him. With God’s help and amazing grace, and one day at time I am learning to forgive him for that decision he made. 

I truly believe that when you truly give your life to God, you become one with him.  I believe that He is with you and you are with Him.   When this happens you are able to look at and think about someone with a different set of eyes and a different mind.  You are able to view someone the way that God sees them instead of the way you see them.  Instead of thinking, what a selfish man, what a terrible decision, how could you be so stupid and impulsive, I HATE YOU.  Now I am able to think, I’m so sorry that you were sick, I know that if you could take it back you would, I wish there was some way that I could have helped you, and regardless of your selfish decision I UNCONDITIONALY LOVE YOU.  

I can’t imagine that any one of us miss someone that we hate, I guess that is why I was never able to miss him because my heart was filled with hate.  Now that my heart has been taken over by an amazing, never failing, always compassionate, love you like there is no tomorrow Jesus, I am able to love my daddy and because I am able to love him I am able to miss him. 

Thank you Lord for filling my heart with love and compassion towards a man that I never thought I could love again. Thank you for filling the void that I never thought would be filled.  But most of all, thank you for giving me the ability and strength, with your help, to truly forgive my daddy. 

Happy Father’s day Daddy.
LOVE,
Bethany