Which Servant are you?

Last night in our life group we studied the parable in Matthew 25 of the king who distributed to his three servants a set of valuable coins.  If you aren’t familiar with the story, here is a little recap for you. In the parable each servant was left with a set of valuable coins according to their specific ability. The first servant was given ten, the second five and the third was given one. In the parable it gives an account of what each servant did with what his master had given him. The first and second servant invested his their valuable coins and returned to his master with double the amount, the master was pleased with these two servants, for they had grown his kingdom with their investment.   And as for the The third servant… The servant that reminded me so shamefully of myself, he did not go and invest, instead out of fear the servant hid the valuable thing that his master had given him and his master was not pleased.    

There are so many different things that you can learn from this small account in Matthew, but last night our concentration was geared towards the gifts that OUR master had given us and what we are called to do with that gift.

We learned that each of us have been given a specific gift by God to reach those who are far from Him. Last night I had our ladies name their gifts and they ranged from the ability to relate to those in all situations to their gift to reach those far from God with their artistic ability.  I don’t know what gift(s) God has given you, but it’s pretty clear in this story what the purpose for those gifts are and that is to invest and expand.

This story challenged me to compare myself to the servants and I challenge you to do the same. If you have to be honest with yourself, which servant does your life and actions resemble most? Are you like the first two servants who took what their master had given them and invested and grew the kingdom? Or are you more like the first servant who has taken the gift and hidden it?

In verse 24-25  the servant explains to his master all the reason as to why he didn’t invest what he was given, but the more times I read those two verses the more those reasons begin to sound like excuses. As Christ followers we are called to reach those who are far from God, PERIOD.  In the story the master wasn’t concerned with the all the reasons the servant had for not investing his gift he was only concerned that his kingdom was not grown because the he did not invest.

Listen ya’ll, there are so many excuses we could give that we feel justify why we aren’t using our gift to expand God’s Kingdom.  Busy schedules, being uncomfortable, lack of resources, the list could go on and on and Shoot, I am probably better at giving excuses than any of you who are reading this. But just as the master wasn’t concerned with all the reasons (excuses) his servant gave, God isn’t concerned with mine.

Yesterday my heart wasn’t only convicted with the lack of using my gift to reach his people, but also the misuse of that gift.  There have been more times than I can count that I have used the gift God has given me to move me forward and give me opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s such a wonderful thing to recognize that you have been blessed by God with a gift, but it isn’t just enough to recognize the gift but to understand the purpose of that gift. In the story the servants weren’t given the coins for their own selfish gain. They were given the coins so that they may go and expand their master’s kingdom and we called to do the same. 

I challenged our life group last night to push through our excuses and use our gift to reach those far from God, no matter the cost. I challenged them to push through uncomfortable situations and busy schedules to bring those who are far from God closer to Him and I challenge you to do the same!

I hope this encouraged you the way it did me.

Mark 16:15 “And he said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.’”

Carpet Burns and Obedience

Pictured above is my son Landon (on right) and his friend Cooper (on left). This picture was taken the day of their preschool graduation. What is that on their forehead you ask?  Ohhhh the large scabs are nothing other than the carpet burn that they both gave themselves.  Yes, I said GAVE THEMSELVES.  These two crazy boys had the bright idea to rub their heads on the carpeted rug in their classroom as fast as they could, and this was the result.  And of course they chose the week of their graduation to carry out this bright idea. An idea that they had already been told earlier in the year not to do. 

I was frustrated with Landon when his teacher messaged me at work to let me know what he had just done.  My frustration wasn’t simply because his graduation was Friday and now he would have a huge scab in all of his pictures, but more so I was upset because Landon and Cooper both had been told previously in the year not to do this.  I couldn’t help but think had they both just been obedient and not followed through with something they had been told not to do, none of this would be an issue.

And of course, this where God decided to teach me something. He does this to me often.  He uses the things in my life to teach me practical truths about Him. 

I couldn’t help but think of all the times in my walk with God where I have been called to do something or not do something and my disobedience directly affects my life.  If l listed all the ways that I have been disobedient since I began my walk with Him three years ago we would be here all day.  So many times God has called me to do something or not to do something and I honestly didn’t understand why. Often I chose to do my own thing, simply because his direction and instruction didn’t make much sense to me, and every single time I am left wishing I had been obedient. 

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because just like me, Landon chose to do his own thing that day.  See, here’s the thing that God showed me in that moment.  I knew without a doubt Landon didn’t think about the fact that he would be participating in a graduation in just four days. I am also sure he didn’t have a clue that it could even leave a possible scar on his little head that he would carry for the rest of his life, however Landon did know that he had been asked not to do this, but he chose to do it anyway.  My sweet little boy couldn’t see the big picture, but his teachers could. Landon didn’t understand the reasoning behind the instruction he had been given, it didn’t make sense to him why he shouldn’t do it, so he chose to do what he wanted instead of what was better for him.

Doesn’t this remind you of God and yourself? So many times God instructs us to do or not something because he knows what is best for our lives, but because we can’t see the big picture or see what the affect our choice could have on our life, we do our own thing.  If you are a parent I imagine this post is one that you can relate to completely.  So many times we give our children instruction, not because we want to be bossy or because we just love to tell people what to do, but instead we do this because we can see the bigger picture and we know what is most beneficial for them.   If you do this with and for your children because of the love you have for them, imagine how much more it is true about God and his love for us. 

Look, I know sometimes God’s instruction doesn’t make any sense to us and we think doing our own thing is better. Sometimes when we can't see the purpose behind the instruction it's hard for us to be obedient, and to be honest the more I read the bible the more I realize it was the same way over 2,000 years ago. The week this happened with Landon and his friend Cooper I came across the story of the day that Jesus called his first Disciples.  In Luke Chapter 5 Jesus meets these two guys in a boat who were fisherman, they had fished all night and caught nothing and then Jesus shows up on the scene and instructs them to put down their nets for another catch.  These guys did this for a living, it wasn’t as if they were amateurs at this fishing gig, and then out of nowhere shows up this Jesus, a guy they really didn’t know and tells them to do the same thing that they had been doing all night with no success.  It doesn’t make much sense to me so I know it didn’t to them. But in verse 5, I was blown away by their answer.  It says “Simon answered, “Master we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets” ……BUT BECAUSE YOU SAY SO I WILL!!  Ya’ll if you keep reading the story you will see that not only did they finally catch fish, but they caught so much that their boats began to sink.  I don’t know about you, but I would venture to say that those two guys didn’t regret listening to God’s instruction that day. 

Landon’s self-inflicted carpet burn was such a clear reminder to me of the affect that disobedience can have on our life, but this story about Jesus and these fisherman encourages me that even when things don’t make sense my obedience can change my life. God has an abundant life for me and for you, but we have to be willing to let Him give it to us. 

Graduation and Validation

Validate me!!! Validate me!!! Validate me!!  That’s what the snap chat read that I sent to my friend Brittany as I headed to Tonya’s graduation.

Last night as I started down the road I was filled with excitement for my long time best friend Tonya. After three long years of continued perseverance she had finally finished all the requirements to receive her degree, and there couldn't have been a prouder friend in this world. But the closer I got to the ceremony the harder it became to press down the feelings of insecurity that were rising in me. As proud as I was of Tonya, I was as equally disappointed in myself. As excited as I was to see her walk across that stage I was envious because that’s not something I have ever done. I immediately felt my excitement and joy turning into sadness and disappointment.  In the bible there is a verse that instructs us to take our thoughts captive and submit them to God, but I couldn't help but feel like my thoughts were coming faster than I could captivate.

I began to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of failure, inadequacy and disappointment. There are so many things in my life that I feel like I have left undone. The degree that I never received, the career that I never obtained and the success that I always imagined myself having flashed before my eyes.  I went from being filled with joy and excitement to filling unfulfilled and defeated in minutes.  I could begin to feel my chest tighten and I could almost feel my joy being stripped from me one defeating thought at a time. And before I knew it, tears were filling my disappointed eyes.

Why couldn't things have been different for me? Why couldn't I have listened to the people in my life that encouraged me to continue my education and make something more of myself? Why couldn't I have persevered the way Tonya had and finished my degree so that I too could have walked across a stage and shook hands with Doctors and Deans who would congratulate me on a job well done.  Thought after thought my identity took a beating. I have fought feelings of failure in this area for several years now and finally the camel’s back was broken.  

I was so defeated and disappointed with myself I needed to tell someone, anyone. I picked up my phone and chose Brittany. I began to beg for her validation. I needed her to tell me that she still thought I was wonderful and that even though I was so unaccomplished I was still loved and cherished.  Brittany never replied to the twenty-five ridiculous snap chats that I sent her, but that’s OK because God did.  He replied with “She doesn't need to validate you, Bethany, because I already have.”  My tear filled eyes poured out and in that very moment I began to let God tell me who I was in Him. He spoke to my soul and told me just the opposite of all the things that I was feeling. He told me I was beautiful, loved, worthy and I was HIS child and that there wasn't an accomplishment left undone that could change the love he had for me.

You see, education and success aren't bad things. They are wonderful things that should be celebrated and something to feel proud of. I pray for my son Landon often and boldly that he will one day experience these wonderful things, but now more than ever I will begin to pray that he would find his worth in who God says he is and not in anything else. Degrees, titles, and a successful career are all beneficial and valuable things, they just aren't and never should be things that define who we are. With or without a degree I am still a child of God that He finds valuable enough to send his only son to die for. My identity and worth isn't found in what I do or don’t do but instead it is found in what has been done for me.

Last night I didn't walk away from that amphitheater feeling defeated or worthless, instead I walked away feeling the exact opposite because I chose to walk in the truth of who God says I am. Because of Him I was able to experience such joy and happiness as I celebrated my beautiful and wonderful friend Tonya and her accomplishments.

1 Peter 2:9  

⁹ But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Finally a Pregnancy test that didn't disappoint!!!

In the early part of 2013 Chris and I began to talk about growing our family, and after nine long months of tossing around the idea we made a final decision. By the beginning of 2014 we had made all the financial and logistic changes that needed to be made and we began to try for baby Robinson, but it hasn’t been easy.

With every late cycle came a glimpse of hope and Pinterest would become my best friend. Pin after Pin my excitement would build. Baby reveals, baby showers, and baby names consumed my thoughts but every time there was always a negative pregnancy test to shatter my hopes and dreams.

 For over a year now I have had nothing but negative answers from each pregnancy test that I have taken. I wish that I could write this and tell you that although the answer that I was given wasn’t the answer I had hoped for my heart still rejoiced, but it hasn’t. I wish that I could tell you that the sign of one single line instead of two didn’t devastate my soul, but it has. I wish that there weren’t countless nights filled with tears to tell you about, but there are. The truth is that with every negative answer that I have read I could almost feel the bitterness arise a little at a time inside of me. I could feel my heart becoming numb and apathetic to all the good things that surround me. And the anger, it has been unbearable. I would see women with pregnant bellies and instead of feeling happiness for them I couldn’t think of anything but why she was good enough and I wasn’t. I began to feel numb toward God and avoided a conversation with him at all cost. I showed up to church every Sunday morning but that was honestly out of obligation to my responsibility to the church, not because of my relationship with Him.

 But just like every other time in my life, even in my sour apathy God showed up on a Sunday morning and met me exactly where I was, and finally I cried out to Him in desperation for his comfort. With tears streaming down my face I cried out to him from the bottom of my soul. I told Him I knew that He knows what is best for me. That His will for my life is greater than my own. I know He is a good God who loves me and wants nothing but the best for me, but even though I know and believe all of these things I was still so heartbroken. I couldn’t quite understand how even with this knowledge of his goodness I was supposed to be able look at a negative pregnancy test and not be devastated. I didn't know how to see everyone around me pregnant and not feel hopeless, and I didn't know how to walk past the empty room at the end of my hallway and not feel like I can't breathe because it is still empty. And in that moment I heard Him speak to me that I didn’t have to know how to do any of those things, I just need to make HIM Lord and let him be the source of my joy, not a test and the number of lines that do or don’t appear.

See I have a track record of trying to fill my life with things and relationships to bring me happiness and satisfaction. And I was beginning to see all the similarities to this time and all the other times I have sought out joy in things other than God. Needless to say each and every attempt has failed me miserably. I was putting so much pressure on a pregnancy test and I was letting the results of that determine my emotions. Since the test was negative so was my attitude and outlook. I thought so strongly that if the answers to the test would have been positive then I would be happy, but I was so wrong. Sure being pregnant might would have brought me happiness in the moment, but that is not what I am after and that is not what my soul longs for. I am looking for complete satisfaction and happiness and there is no test or baby in the world that can do that. God has to be that for me. Like I said, I have a track record for these situations where I seek joy in things outside of God and as much as I would love to have a baby and a family of four I am thankful that God used something so close to my heart to reteach me something I desperately need to grasp. This Morning the test that I took was negative and for the first time in sixteen months my soul wasn’t crushed and for that I am thankful. 

Psalm 107:9 “For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things”


 PS. Five months ago I was thinking of names and I decided on the name Elizabeth for a girl. I wasn’t sure why, because quite frankly I wasn’t even crazy about the name as a matter of fact I didn’t care for it at all. I just knew in my heart if I ever had a little girl her name was supposed to be Elizabeth. Today I looked up the biblical definition of Elizabeth and it means God is satisfaction. God began his work in teaching me this five months ago ya’ll!! I can’t make this stuff up!