Two weeks ago tomorrow a girl that I have never met lost both
her parents in a murder/suicide tragedy; she is only 17 which is the same age I
was when I experienced the SAME tragedy with my parents. After this happened to
this girl I began to receive multiple messages through face book and phone
calls from people that I had never even met before asking me to reach out and
connect with this young girl. I was more
than happy and willing to talk with her and just let her know that she wasn’t
alone, and just offer her some encouragement through this difficult time; but I
was SO unaware of all the emotions I was going to face. I guess about the third
day or so into being aware of this young girl and what she was going through, I
began to become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that I had not felt or
experienced in almost seven years. I
knew exactly what this girl was going through so I was extremely compassionate
and sympathetic to how I assumed she was feeling, and I would be lying if I
told you it didn’t feel like it had just happened to me ALL over again. I began to feel hate, unforgiveness, hurt,
anger, bitterness, any negative emotion that you can possibly think of, that’s
how I felt. It was almost as if someone
had ripped away the band-aid I was using to cover my hurt and pain. As all of
these hurtful emotions began to consume every part of me, my spirits weren’t
joyful and bubbly the way that they have been since I gave my heart back to the
one whom it belonged to. My fiancé Chris
had even started to notice the change in my attitude, everyday he would ask
what was wrong with me, and everyday I would say “nothing”… but it wasn’t that nothing
that was wrong, it was just nothing that I wanted to talk about. I didn’t want to talk about how I felt like I
had just lost both of my parents all over again. I didn’t want to tell him how it felt to know
that ME, his own daughter, wasn’t worth sticking around for and fixing whatever
it was that was wrong. I didn’t want to
talk about the fact that my mom didn’t do what I think she could have done to
avoid this tragedy, I didn’t want to talk about the torn feeling I had to love
the man that was my daddy and to hate the man that took their lives. I didn’t want to talk about ANY of it, I just
wanted all the pain to go away. For the last seven years I have been desperately
trying make this pain go away. I have been attempting to cover my hurt with Band-Aid
after Band-Aid after Band-Aid. I can
remember the first Band-Aid that I chose, relationships, and when that didn’t
work I tried the money Band-Aid, using money and materialistic things to fill a
void that was so deep. When money failed
me, I have to shamefully admit my next Band-Aid became drugs and alcohol, I
tried to numb myself from the pain that I was feeling, but of course that
didn’t work either. Oh but if I could
just have my own family, a child of my own to love and care for, I would feel
better. I wouldn’t feel sad and lonely, I would be needed and loved, I like to
call this one my Landon Band-Aid. But
not even that precious blue eyed little boy could fix what was broken inside of
me… with each Band-Aid I tried, I found myself at the same place I started, a
hurt, damaged, sad, disappointed girl. I was at a dead-end road with no where
to run, I had tried almost EVERYTHING, the only thing that I hadn’t turned to
was God. The only Band-Aid I hadn’t
tried was the Jesus Band-Aid. In my
desperation to be happy, to not feel so broken, and just to have joy in my
life, I reluctantly slapped on the Jesus Band-Aid. This Band-Aid was so
different from all the others that I had worn before, I truly felt happy,
content, and joyful. This was it! I had finally, after seven years of searching
and trying one useless Band-Aid after another, I had actually found the one
that worked. So I guess you can
understand the shock I felt when two weeks ago my Band-Aid was ripped right off with no hesitation. For next several days I prayed like a crazy
lady. I prayed for peace, strength, I
prayed for just about anything that could help me get through all the things I
was feeling, but it wasn’t working. It
wasn’t making any sense, If I really do have this super awesome Jesus on my
side why isn’t he helping me??? Why isn’t
my Jesus Band-Aid working anymore?? Then it all became so clear to me, Jesus
never wanted to be my Band-Aid. He never
wanted to just cover my hurt, he never wanted to just cover up my sadness, and
he never wanted to just cover up my broken heart… He wanted to HEAL it. For years I have been fighting a battle that
has already been won. I have been
carrying feelings of hurt, brokenness, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness; all
the while this amazing God has been waiting for me to give the hurt to
him. You see, God doesn’t want to be my Band-Aid
because he doesn’t want me to need one. He doesn’t want me to carry any of those
feelings or emotions anymore because he knows that I am not strong enough to carry
them without falling, so he wants to carry them for me. You see, if I truly give God all of my hurt and pain, then I have nothing to cover and I have no use for a band-aid, and that is exactly what
I am choosing to do from this point on. Today, I choose to no
longer be hurt and damaged and I choose to no longer fight a fight that has
already been won. Today, I choose to not
just cover up my hurt with anymore Band-Aids, from this point on I choose to be healed and made new. Today I choose to give it ALL to God. After all, everyone knows a wound will never heal if you leave the band-aid over it, eventually you have to rip off and let it heal. Thank you God for ripping my band-aid off for me.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
My heart's desire
I can remember as if it were yesterday standing on the verge of making that life changing decision to follow Christ… there were so many unanswered questions that I had and I am ashamed to say, at the age of 23, one of my biggest questions and fears was what would all of my friends think??? I was paralyzed by that thought… How much more high school and juvenile could I get? You would think that after becoming a mother, and taking on the responsibilities of the “adult life” worrying about what my friends would think would be a fear that I wouldn’t be so concerned about… but truthfully it wasn’t. It was probably one of the biggest things that kept me away from living this amazing life that I live now…
I can remember being absolutely petrified by the thought that I would be walking alone in this new life that I was choosing. I am by no means a loner kinda person, to be honest I think that my picture could be listed under the definition as an extrovert in the good ole webster dictionary, so for me the thought of doing this alone scared me to the point where my decision to follow this Jesus that I desperately needed was dependent on that fear. However with time, my desperate need for something new, something better, and something bigger out weighed my fear of losing my friends and being alone and I reluctantly accepted the invitation to follow Him. The decision that I made that night has been nothing less than the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.
When I look back and remember that paralyzing fear that I felt when I was so close to making that life changing decision I can’t help but laugh, seriously I laugh out loud about the entire thing. Since I made that decision I can honestly tell you that I am so far from alone it’s unreal. I started attending Revolution Church
Alone??? I think not my friend!!!
Shockingly, within just a few weeks of turning my life completely over to that amazing Savior, He totally and completed squashed the fear that kept me from him for so long. He not only surrounded me with people that would walk with me in this new journey I was taking, but he also gave me back friends that I had lost touch with… What an amazing God He truly is!
The point of all this jibber jabber is; don’t let whatever crippling fear you may have keep you from making that decision to be changed and to be made new. Whatever the fear or concern may be, this super awesome Jesus I am telling you about will not only take care of it for you, but he will make it better than you ever imagined possible. I can remember hearing “God will give you the desires of your heart” pretty much from the time I was old enough to breathe and I’m happy to say I guess they were right after all!!!
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires” – Psalm 37:4
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