Father's Day.

In honor of Father’s Day I felt like this was something I should share.

Some of you reading this are already aware and some of you may not know, but at 17 I lost both of my parents.  My daddy took my momma’s life and within minutes proceeded to take his own.  Within seconds, everything that I knew and loved was instantly stripped from me, all because of one selfish decision to solve a TEMPORARY problem with a PERMANENT solution. 

I have struggled with forgiving my daddy for his terrible decision.  Growing up in a Christian home I am fully aware that in order to receive forgiveness one must forgive, but as you can imagine forgiving someone for taking your mother’s life isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world to do.  On top of that, it wasn’t a stranger that didn’t know she was mother to two teenagers that still needed her guidance and love; on the contrary, it was the father of the two children that not only needed her but also needed him that took her life.  No, it wasn’t just a stranger, it was my daddy, and it was her husband.  How could he do this? How could he be so incredibly selfish? He knew we needed them, he had to know what kind of effect this would have on me and my brother… Why would he ever do such a terrible thing??

As you can imagine I miss my momma dearly.  It will be seven years this December 31 that she was taken from me, and I don’t think there has been a single day that I have not thought about her.  On average, she is in my dreams 5 out the 7 days a week.  I know where she is today because of her personal relationship with Jesus, and as wonderful as I imagine it is in heaven I can’t help but to find myself selfishly wishing she were still here with me.  Missing momma is a natural thing as you would assume, but I guess you can imagine missing my daddy wouldn’t be exactly so natural. 

About two weeks ago at work I was standing around thinking and I felt something that I have never felt, at least not since my parents had died… I. MISSED. MY. DAD.  I miss my dad?? What?? How could this be, how could I miss someone that has caused me so much heartache and pain? How can I miss the person that at times, makes me consider myself damaged? No way, I’ve got this all wrong.  I can’t be missing him. Can I?  It was in that same instance that I knew, I was indeed missing my dad, my heart ached for him, my heart reached out with compassion and love. Within a blink of an eye I felt forgiveness running through my entire body. 

In February of this year I gave my life back to Christ, I gave him complete and total control and I know because of that decision I made a few months back, I was able to feel what I felt that day at work.  I missed my dad. I genuinely missed him. Weird huh?  It all became so clear to me following those emotions.  I am able to miss my dad because I am slowly learning to forgive him. With God’s help and amazing grace, and one day at time I am learning to forgive him for that decision he made. 

I truly believe that when you truly give your life to God, you become one with him.  I believe that He is with you and you are with Him.   When this happens you are able to look at and think about someone with a different set of eyes and a different mind.  You are able to view someone the way that God sees them instead of the way you see them.  Instead of thinking, what a selfish man, what a terrible decision, how could you be so stupid and impulsive, I HATE YOU.  Now I am able to think, I’m so sorry that you were sick, I know that if you could take it back you would, I wish there was some way that I could have helped you, and regardless of your selfish decision I UNCONDITIONALY LOVE YOU.  

I can’t imagine that any one of us miss someone that we hate, I guess that is why I was never able to miss him because my heart was filled with hate.  Now that my heart has been taken over by an amazing, never failing, always compassionate, love you like there is no tomorrow Jesus, I am able to love my daddy and because I am able to love him I am able to miss him. 

Thank you Lord for filling my heart with love and compassion towards a man that I never thought I could love again. Thank you for filling the void that I never thought would be filled.  But most of all, thank you for giving me the ability and strength, with your help, to truly forgive my daddy. 

Happy Father’s day Daddy.
LOVE,
Bethany

Not in the mood for God...

There isn’t any sense in beating around the bush, this week has sucked… yeah, yeah I know what you’re thinking it’s probably the same thing I think when I think something sucks… compared to everyone else’s REAL problems my problems are small and really not even worth complaining about.  There are people in this world that are going hungry, don’t know where they are laying their head when the sun sets, and own nothing more than the clothes on their back. Sure, when you think about it that way, my problems are minute and not worth complaining about, but in Bethany’s self-absorbed world my complaints are REAL and are worth complaining about.  You my friend, have just stepped into Bethany’s world…                                                                                   

I have a tendency to let my thoughts get the best of me; I apparently have a vivid imagination that I was unaware of.   I have the ability to turn the most insignificant, smallest, and minor, itty bitty mole hills into the most enormous, biggest, greatest, tallest, massive, humungous, most extraordinary mountains you have ever seen. Literally.  I can turn an innocent statement that means absolutely nothing into something that has the ability to turn my life completely upside down. I feel like I never have peace because I let my thoughts torment my life.  My thoughts always remind me of that song by Journey “Wheel in the Sky” except it’s the (Now sing this in your best “Journey” voice to get the full effect haha)  “Wheels in my mind keep on turning, I don’t know where my thoughts will be tomorrow”  But seriously, that’s why my week sucked… I let my negative thoughts completely consume my every moment.  They say your mind is a powerful thing, well I’m pretty sure Superman along with Wonder Woman, the Hulk, Spider Man, and Batman have teamed up and somehow transferred all  their super hero powers to my mind… seriously that’s possible, right? The only problem is, I think my mind received all the powers, but failed to read the memo that came with them.  You know, the memo saying you’re supposed to turn bad into good, fight against evil, and make things better.  However, it appears my mind read it backwards and turns good into bad, partners with evil, and makes everything worse…   Well that is just fan-freakin-tastic… NOT!!!! I guess I should have bought that “hooked on phonics” after all huh

Well this week has been nothing more than mole hills, but of course as you just learned, I turned them all into something similar to Mt Everest.  So yeah, my problems may not seem that big in the scheme of things, but you try climbing Mt Everest 7 days in a row and see if you’re week don’t suck.  Climbing Mt Everest obviously isn’t an easy task, but letting someone carry you up the mountain sounds pretty awesome if you ask me…  You get to the top, the same as you would as if took the journey alone, but you are nowhere near as tired as you would be had you been the one walking. Sure, you experienced the rough parts of the journey.  Sure, you would be there during obstacles and hardships that come with climbing the mountain, but you will only feel the secondary aftermath of the trials, you will never have to experience the direct effect.  It sounds to me like being CARRIED up the mountain is the much better option than climbing the mountain yourself.

Well during my metaphorical climb of Mt Everest this week, I really wish I would have chosen to be carried. Instead, I chose to travel alone.  I decided, since God didn’t keep Mt Everest from sneaking up on me, he wasn’t going to be tagging along with me.  Quite frankly, I just wasn’t in the mood for Him.  I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it is the truth.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I looked at my devotional lying on my bathroom counter and quickly turned away from it. Heck no, I’m not reading it today, I JUST DON’T CARE!!!!! I feel completely defeated and want nothing to do with it. I shouldn’t even have to deal with this crap, I’ve been a good person, but yet you are still letting my mind turn little things into big things.  At that moment I just was not in the mood for God, but OOOOHHHHHHH how I sincerely wish I would have been….

Today I still wasn’t exactly “in the mood” and since we are being honest, I was letting my youngin play outside and had nothing better to do, so I picked up the devotional.  I figured since I didn’t read yesterday’s I might as well catch up, and read it before I read today’s…. This is when my wishful thinking kicked in…

Yesterday’s Devotional from the book Jesus Calling (I strongly suggest this book, it has rocked my world)

May 31                                                                                                                                                 

 “THE PEACE THAT I GIVE YOU transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift.  I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round: going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. All the while, My Peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.                                                                                                                                                                       Be still in My Presence, inviting me to control your THOUGHTS. Let My Light soak into your mind and heart, until you are aglow with My very Being.  This is the most effective way to receive My Peace. “       

Wow… If only I had been “in the mood” for God yesterday… If only I had let him carry me through my troubles, if only I had given him control of my thoughts… Maybe that mole hill would have never turned into a mountain…. Yesterday’s devotional was meant for me to read, but I was traveling alone and didn’t want to accept any help.  He was there to help all long and pick me up, but I never allowed Him to.  Ohhh how I wish I would have.  I think it’s safe to say, I learned a VERY valuable lesson.

Rather your mountains really are mountains, or your mind has the same super hero powers that my mind obviously has and you turn your mole hills into mountains… Let God carry you; in whatever you do, don’t travel alone.  Sure, you’re still going to experience the journey, you’re going to go through the obstacles and hardships, but you will never have to experience the direct effect. If you will choose to be carried, I can promise you, when you reach the top; you will not find yourself as exhausted as you will be if you choose to travel alone.